"TRIGGER WARNING"
As I’m sitting in the park, I’m thinking about how the days are getting harder and harder to keep my head above water. To keep treading towards the darkness which is my life is tiring. Feeling all alone and homeless, yes…homeless. I never thought I would be here, but here I am. And more than anything, feeling lonely.
Compounding the mental illness is the fact that I don’t have any place to live. Believe me it’s not for a lack of trying. Nearly two months of this and it’s about all I can take. I’m close to the breaking point. I can much better understand the “22 a Day,” not only from my personal perspective within my own life; but I nearly witnessed a suicide by 40 cal. in a group I was in. Talk about triggering and fucking scary, I still hear the perceived sound of the gun going off. The images of that fellow service member haunt me, and the look in the eyes were terrifying. All I can think about is…I’ve had the same look in my eyes.
As I’m sitting in this park under a tree, in the shade, and feeling the softness of the grass under the blanket, I’m reminded of happy times. With a light breeze and dogs abound, families and children playing, I think about what is possible again. A smile on my face, a light in my eyes and an energy I once had. I know in my heart this is all possible again and I work hard to get there every day.
I always say never give up, “There is help, There is hope!” Tomorrow is a new day.
There is hope. Keep going. People love you and want you here. God will never leave you nor forsake you. God will send people to help you...people like me.