MENTAL TOOLBOX

People have toolboxes for different tasks. Electricians, Carpenters, and Mechanics, to name a few. Their tools allow them to perform very specific tasks that generally cannot be used for anything else. Meters to measure electricity, hammers for driving nails, or wrenches for nuts and bolts. All different tools for specific purposes, but what do you use for Mental Health? You wouldn’t use any of these tools to treat symptoms of Mental Illness. There’s a toolbox for Mental Health containing specialized tools; those tools, however, can be individualized to the person. Today I had to dig deep into my personal toolbox; I knew the tools were there, but rarely needed to be used.

Living with Complex-PTSD (CPTSD) is difficult and challenging in and of itself. You can be happily going through your day with no care at all – and then it happens... Your unexpectantly triggered in a way you didn’t know could happen. It came like a freight train, slow at first, and building speed destined to crash at full speed into my mind, and it collided!!!

Today was a little unlike most days I've had, besides not really sleeping in the past 6 days. My mind is weak, and I know it; just trying to maintain myself while going through each day. However, this day was unlike any day I’ve had – EVER!!! I know I'm on edge, hypervigilant,t and tired as hell. Being in my apartment is difficult enough when I'm hypervigilant. Loud neighbors, barking dogs, and doors closing hard; they are all frightening when I’m in this state. What’s most triggering for me is knocking on my door or ringing the doorbell; these are the most negatively impactful things I've had to experience. At times, I’ve gone to the hospital, sometimes not by choice. Today I was relaxing the best I could by watching a game. All the kids are outside playing, birds are chirping, and the weather is nice. I’m already on edge, and I hear a neighbor knocking on the doors.

THE TRAIN LEFT THE STATION

I was still unsure who it was and if that person was coming my way. I instantly became nervous and anxious, and my body started trembling, but as difficult as these feelings were, I knew I could work through them. I’ve been through a lot worse. But my mind is very weak right now...

HOLD ON

I thought I was getting off the tracks, but this was a train like no other. It was coming whether I liked it or not. I decided to go to my room and put distance between me and the front door. Also, further away from the doorbell. I’m sitting at the edge of my bed, anticipating that person coming my way. I said their “coming” repeatedly, to myself, hoping they wouldn't. I feel myself starting to shake more as the voice gets closer. My anxiety is rising; I'm starting to get scared. I’ve never felt scared before; this is getting serious. I hear the knock on my neighbor’s door, and I know for sure what’s going to happen next. My body is panicking more. What happens if they do knock on my door? These are emotions I’m familiar with, but not at this intensity; the intensity of which I was about to feel, I could never imagine.

TRAIN WRECK

“BOOM BOOM” “BOOM BOOM” “BOOM BOOM” “BOOM BOOM”

I was shaken to the literal “core” of my being; something was not communicating in my body. Total shutdown, couldn't think, couldn't move, and I was weak. I didn’t know what was going on with me. My typical response is to yell profanities at them through the door. That’s the typical response I can’t control; it just happens. It’s scary as shit for me. But that didn’t happen this time. I remember feeling shocked at the fact that I didn’t get enraged, and I didn’t run to the door to open it. But how could I? Moving wasn’t an option, talking wasn’t an option. Like a nuclear bomb went off inside me.

BASIC INFORMATION – Do your research.

The Amygdala or “fight or flight, freeze”, " is what a lot of people think of when responding to a stimulus. When your body cannot handle the stimulus, it puts on the “Brakes”—effectively overriding the (PAG) - Fight, Flight, Freeze system.

What I learned was that it’s called a “Vagal Brake”, and this is what happened to me today.

• A sudden drop in blood pressure and heart rate.

• A feeling of numbness or dissociation.

• Extreme muscle weakness or "locking up."

MENTAL TOOLBOX

Over time, I’ve collected tools for my Mental Toolbox. Some are multi-tools; others specialize in certain situations.

I focused on my breathing first since I couldn’t move. I didn’t use a method I use every day; instead, I used “Box” breathing to really calm my nerves. This method for me was very effective in allowing me to focus intently on one thing - Breathing.

I was really confused as to why I wasn’t angry; it’s not unusual to be triggered. A powerful tool I use all the time is “challenging my thoughts”. But this was different. I dug deep inside my mind; I was trying to understand more of what I was feeling. I already knew what happened, but what happened to my mind and body? This gave me an opportunity to not focus on the event itself, but on me instead.

Movement is the key to life, sometimes literally. I knew I had to go someplace quiet, where I didn’t have to constantly worry about anything, and get away from people without isolating. Once I regained enough strength, I went outside to the community garden for sunshine and Zen.

MIRACLES IN SMALL PACKAGES

As I walked towards the back of the garden near the fence, a boy about 9yro came walking from his house. It’s a huge yard, and he had a long way to walk. He came right up to the fence and asked me for my name. I told him and started to walk around in the sun. Really, to put some distance, I didn’t want to be around anyone. Small miracles, he would not stop talking to me. 10 minutes talking to this little boy was a miracle. It turned something inside of me to “Light”. I was a little happier; I smiled; the darkness was subsiding.