It’s been about two months since my last series of blog posts chronicling my mindset from 2005. A dark period of my life trying to understand the meaning of it all. The darkness of that time was something that’s not only hard to relive but today I’m grateful for surviving. A darkness so deep I never thought I would recover.
Mental illness is an illness that’s difficult to comprehend let alone understand. An illness that still afflicts me today and many other Veterans throughout the country. However, no matter what the illness, there can be healing. A deep healing that can be comforting to the soul. A comfort that at one time I never thought possible. A healing that seems to be elusive at times while suffering, but once the cycle can be broken, healing can begin.
Today… Today I cannot pretend that all the ills of the past have been alleviated, but I can say that the demons are at rest. One might ask or say, but how is this possible? How can you forget the traumas of the past? My reply is that they are never forgotten, they are always in the back of my mind; permanently engrained into what shapes me today. Shaped me into the person I’m grateful to be. If pain and suffering are harnessed one can overcome the burdens of traumatic experiences. How have I harnessed the pain and suffering; well, it’s taken a tremendous amount of “work.” What do I mean by work? For me, work has consisted of intense therapy. Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT), is an intensive therapy program that has taught me to understand my thoughts and feelings and apply techniques to understand and contain my emotions. To make sense of what I’m feeling. To make sense of the world around me as it pertains to me.
Since 2021 I’ve been saddled with a new trauma that’s affected me in the most terrible way. A trauma I never saw coming but such is life, unpredictable and unprecedented. We never know when we might be dealt the next blow. Suicide… The suicide of a close friend was a triggering point for me. Something I never saw coming but in retrospect, was pervasive and was right in my face. A victimless act, or so we think, oh how many times have I been on the precipice of such a decision? Oh, how many times have I thought the ultimate decision was the way? The effects of such a decision are far-reaching and have an impact on others we cannot fathom.
Today I enjoy a freedom of mind I never thought possible. A freedom I at one time only dreamt of. A freedom of mind, body, and soul that’s liberating. It allows me to see today for what it is, tomorrow for what it may be, and a freedom to live life as a soul with renewed vigor. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I know what works for me. I know how to live my life despite the hardships, a life of love, caring, and understanding that I never knew before. Today I love me.
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