1-27-2005
Today is yet again another day in the slow demise of my life. I feel as if – as the stars are born and then perish – I am slowly decaying. How does someone who shines so brightly, slowly fade away? Today I awoke knowing, with all the demons in my mind, that this was my last day on this earth. The place of my demise was already sought out, marked in my mind. For I was already set to jump onto I-40 from a bridge, freeing my mind and soul of the ills of this world, letting my soul find its way to peace. Why do I suffer from such things? I am a good person, of good nature and a big heart. Why must I suffer from melancholia!!! Of self-destruction…I want my life back! How much is that to ask, I just want my life. Money has no meaning to me anymore - only happiness. I only want to be happy – to be loved – just as everyone else does.
I was close to joining the Marines today. Or should I say reenlisting. If I were to go back into the military at this time and place, I would want to deploy as my fate would be in the hands of God. Death is not feared in my eyes. Death is actually a comfort that I seek. But to bring death to my doors on my own accord is a proposition I cannot afford myself.
Enough about death…How about the good that has graced my life today? I spoke to “Jane” – a soul of whom I will never forget – such a gentle and fragile soul. I am still pained by the burdens of her person. Happiness is knowing that the ones I love are safe and loved. I have no love of self but love for others is paramount. Tonight, I will live and for that I am grateful…do I want to awake in the morning; YES, I do! Please, Lord, let me arise tomorrow with happiness and solitude as I surely do not want to die. Tomorrow is another day to conquer.
Godspeed and pray for me. HC
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