50

So, today’s the big day I guess, half a century on this earth. Damn, what a journey it’s been. Traveling through hell and back is not my idea of a pleasant journey. But it’s one I’m grateful for. Am I crazy to appreciate the difficulties I’ve faced? Not at all, it’s the difficulties that have shaped who I am today. But holy shit I almost didn’t make it to 50. Between the suicide attempts and acting reckless I shouldn’t be here. As recently as 2 months ago I didn’t think I would make it to this milestone in life. The propensity for self-harm coupled with alcoholism, a deadly combination, reduced my chances of survival. But here I am ready to live the rest of my life, sober and of a sound, clear mind. Today on my birthday I celebrated 31 days sober. What an accomplishment! It’s been a difficult 31 days but well worth it. The clarity of mind and a sense of well-being gives me great hope for the future.

Besides giving myself the gift of “freedom” from the turmoil and angst of alcoholism, I’m starting to emerge from the bondage of mental health issues, predominately Complex PTSD. I decided to take a trip to Montana, specifically Glacier National Park. Although I get out a lot to camp and travel locally in Utah, it’s time to treat myself to a bigger adventure. Too many times I’ve thought that I’m not worthy of such things but that’s a fallacy. No matter where we are in life it’s important to take care of ourselves. For those of you that know, something as simple as taking a shower, brushing your teeth or even eating could be a major undertaking when one is consumed by the darkness. A darkness I don’t ever want to revisit but one I know is ever lurking in the shadows.

Today I feel like a free man a new man, a man who has a renewed purpose in life, a new vision, a new direction. The journey getting to this point has been a long arduous road and the healing is not over. But today I can say I made it to 50, only 50 more to go.