Alone!!!
Here I am again in the hospital. How many times must I come back to this place. “Normal” people don’t typically frequent behavioral health units in the hospital. But there’s no such thing as a “normal” person, just people with varying degrees of wellbeing. I emphasize the word wellbeing because a “State“ of wellbeing is dependent on the individual and unique circumstances.
However, there are those such as myself, who have a higher propensity for suicidal ideations. (SI) Hence, “Part 2” of being in the hospital again, alone, scared, and worried about my life, future, my destiny. I ask myself why does this have to be my life…but, in the same thought and breath I think…why not me? Obviously, God as I understand Him has not given me more than I can handle. I’m still here and ironically enough or is it divine intervention that my second attempt to purchase a firearm was unsuccessful. Not because I can’t purchase one but, in both cases I somehow didn’t end up at the store. Some “force,” an “energy,” on two separate occasions gently turned the steering wheel away from certain death. Fortunately, on more than one occasion I found myself in the inpatient unit at the local hospital. My CPTSD and BDP (Borderline Personality Disorder) are trying to take control of my life. The catalyst being this, in this episode the drinking, sprinkled with divorce and a lot of loneliness, brought me to my knees. What a combination in and of itself, and also not knowing where you’re going to sleep is maddening. Lest I not forget where my next meal is coming from and where to use the bathroom.
Does it suck, of course, is it hard, absolutely! But I’m still here to enjoy another day. I have to hold onto hope, hold on to my future, hold onto my life. The best way for me to hold on is to always remember my purpose…Helping other’s who are suffering, other Veterans. How can I be so open about such things? Quite frankly my life isn’t the only one at stake. There are so many Veterans suffering who might need a friend. Be that friend and always be kind. A life may depend on it.
There is help, there is hope…
Commentaires