Scared, nervous and anticipating the unknown. What am I in for? What am I going to experience? Most importantly, how am I going to be affected? Ketamine treatment, oh boy does it feel like a lifeline. But is it my lifeline? And I don’t know what’s going to happen to my brain. From what I’ve read and the advice of multiple doctors, this treatment is safe and effective. But is it safe and effective for me? What the hell am I doing, is it too late to turn back? But if I do, what am I missing out on? So many questions and no answers, but here I go…
Laying on the couch I know there’s no turning back. IV in the arm and I’m scared as shit. Now I’m not gonna pretend I’ve never taken drugs, gratefully that’s in the past, but I’ve never had Ketamine. The “party” drug commonly found at raves. As I put the mask on to shield out the light and the headphones for some soothing music, I suddenly realized I’m strapped in for the ride of my life. The seatbelt is on, and the rollercoaster is about to take off. As the ketamine is infused into the IV, I’m waiting, nervously, what’s about to happen? Let me tell you what happened today. I “tripped” my balls off!!! That’s what happened. But not in a psychedelic way, at least not in a visual or auditory way. The “trip” was in my head, like I imagined some fucked up shit. It was weird but not in any sort of scary way. Not in a bad way by any means, but weird. Have you ever seen the movie Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio. Yea, that writer was on Ketamine. Shit was that real. Not only that, but I also couldn’t move. Freaking paralyzed, at least seemingly in a mind that was doing its own thing. I remember wanting to think, seems simple right? We do it every day, just not this morning. When I tried to consciously do something like move my hand, yea, not happening. There were times at least I thought I couldn’t breathe. That was the most uncomfortable part of the whole experience. But you have to surrender completely, once you do your back in dreamland.
What does dreamland look like? It’s black and white for me, at least today it was. Imagine Pablo Picasso paintings, now imagine them moving fluidly through your mind. I saw buildings, specifically cities of buildings just “flowing” away. Moving as if the wind was swirling the buildings to the abyss. The “scape” as I’ll call it was illuminated by the moon, and eerily reminiscent of apocalyptic depictions. All moving to their own sort of rhythm. The rhythm was soothing music wrapped around my head. My brain made a connection between the music and the “scape” in my mind. Deep somewhere out of my control or touch.
How do I feel now 10 hours later…I just keep thinking about my brain. WTF just happened? I feel happy and not depressed. My whole person seems different in a good way. I know one session is just the beginning, 5 more to come, but the results are encouraging so far. Open mind, open heart, today I embrace a new beginning.
Comments