Melancholy

This was written in 2005 and chronicles my mindset at that time. It's graphic in nature...

Melancholia is a ludicrously kind-sounding word for a disorder that is so deeply misunderstood by many. Like walking through life in a hopeless fog: the tunnel with no light, hopeless in finding your way to the end – death is the only option that can be perceived. A maddening comfort in its solace, warmth and final end to endless pain. Sinking further and further into this abyss of darkness one has no fear of lifelessness. Just another pained soul lost in this evil misunderstood clutch of pain. Unyielding feelings of hopelessness…How does one overcome such physical and mental deterioration? All around me I see instruments of death…Destruction at its most destructive form. Life, how do you place a value on something so invaluable, so precious to many…A burden to many more.

My earliest memories of melancholia – depression – were at the age of about 15 or 16. Formidable years in a harsh emotional and discovery time in my life. Self-discovery and understanding, finding my place and acceptance within a society that was exciting but foreign at the same time. Like burning pains in my soul, the razor sliced happily across my bare flesh. Trickles of blood flowed, releasing the pain that was billowing inside me. Comfort – pain was comfort, physical pain…what caused such an innocent soul to want to blow out the flame of life. Is life a gift or an oppression that we have a right to release ourselves from? A deep psychological question that surely will never have an answer. There is no fear in death only in living…I have lived happily, that’s the fear. For when life is over there can be no happiness. Just relief from pain. Loneliness is the greatest pain I have ever felt. Loneliness from family, feelings of walking this earth alone. Sure, I have friends, but not the deep emotional heart-felt friends that I crave. Intellectual stimulation, genuine love for another being, a soulmate. My heart longs for the close physical and emotional bond that exists between a man and a woman. My life truly escaped me and has not returned. Four years of mental anguish, denial and sheer devastation. This is what I have been living with since my wife left. A pain so deep I think in a sense it overpowers the loss, pain and hurt experienced when my parents died. How can that be! Feelings are undeniably powerful and unquestionable. Why have so many bad things and events happened in my life? Sure, they can make you stronger, but at what price…Death? Such a high price to pay but seemingly worth it when the mental coffers are empty.

My recent thoughts are of putting another hole in my head, a thought which is comforting. How about a bridge or an unfortunate run-in with a semi-truck. How did I get to this point in my life? I have recurring dreams of my wife like she is calling, like she is calling…Or is this a terrible pain I’m inflicting on myself? My extended family is lost forever. A pain as great as not having my wife next to me, sitting by my side looking into my eyes with that beautiful smile I will always remember. Why did I let her go? Was I so selfish as to not realize her needs? Now someone else gets to revel in the glow of her beauty.

Where is life leading me? I lost my job and with it lost everything including my sanity. No money, no food wondering every day where the next dollar will come from…Next meal. My only opportunity is for C.A.P.S. to offer a job giving me the opportunity to get my life back on track. All I want is to work and love. A simple, happy, fulfilling existence is all I want. But right now, my existence is tortuous, dreadful and full of fear.

Happiness would be not waking up in the morning. I wake up in physical and emotional pain every day…Only wanting to close my eyes for another night. I feel as if I’m on borrowed time and I have no control when time runs out. Where do you turn, where do you go when your future is no longer in your hands? I feel like shit having to rely on someone else. You lose your sense of self-worth and you walk through the day in doubt. When does this chapter end and the next begin, or has the clock wound down and this is the final chapter…Only followed by an epilogue.

Tomorrow is another day, maybe happiness can be found.